tmi time

b/c i can't sleep anyway and this is bothering me.

okay. i need to be on anti anxiety pills. to be normal. and i will soon,

and by normal i mean, shit like this not happening.

because. i have to share this.

it's so...ugh. UGH.

i got drunk and messed around with this older guy and we hung out and drank and listened to music. okay. i still technically have a boyfriend but we are hardly a couple at all anymore, we have been fighting and never seeing each other so we don't fight right now. but we are in love and want it to eventually work out. so this was still cheating. and gross.

i stupidly went to a bar ALONE out of boredom

such a mistake. i was reeaally wasted. anyway. i'm going to go on as though it did not happen because i don't owe this guy anything, i don't care how NICE he was.
look what he sent me.
WARNING: LONG CREEPY POEM

I met this girl at the bar
Her eyes spoke to me
And maybe my eyes spoke to her
I don't know
She taught me to feel alive
While I was with her I went back
To when I was young
And it made me think
About how much I've lost
In this war that can't be won
I wanted to be the man she dreamed of
But this was like asking a blind man
To describe a cloud
All I could do was be a robot
Robots have their uses
But in the end robots are still
Just robots
To be truly alive is the best experience
But so hard to have
So hard to hold onto
I might as well try to catch water
Through my fingers
Or hold a snow flake
On a summer day
I always felt there was more to the universe
But I never could find it
Maybe all there was in the universe
Was this girl
And reaching her
Was like meeting God
But God only does meetings on Tuesday
And I hate Tuesdays
God claims he loves
But God loves only who it wants
Even though I loved God
More than God will ever know
God just laughs
Pats me on the head
And tells me to go on being a robot
Because society needs robots
I really just wanted to be a musician
But all I can do is draw stick figures
And piss people off
And there was this divide
The girl from the bar
And me with my old age
Like a weight around my neck
The numbness creeps in
Then the ache cuts me from
The inside out
She likes to experience reality
While I deny it
Because I'm a coward
I refuse my feelings
And all she does is feel
I would feel more
But I can't
I don't have the ability
I must have lost something
Between 21 and 34
Or maybe I never had it
I think I never had it
But just thought I did
Like fools gold
And the people walk around me
With their empty smiles
But they are vampires
They want to suck my happiness away
Because no one should be happy
Not truly happy
Happiness can only be found
In Heaven
The preacher tells us this
So it must be true
Everything has already been done
So there is no uncertainty left
It's all a computer program
X + Y = Z
There is a 10% failure with some
Others get 30%
But the ones in charge
Only see one or none
There isn't anything between
And the moon shone really bright
That night we went to the beach
And ran around naked
That time was lost
Gone forever
If I had none
How special that time was
I might have appreciated it more
But something happened between
19 and 34
Why can't we rewind
Life like a VHS tape
And hit pause
Things just are not that way
Is it a law of the universe
Or something else
I will never know
Because God will only meet me on a Tuesday
And I met this girl at a bar
Eyes speak but
They also lie
Mine say all the wrong things

i've already blocked and deleted anything online he knows about me

but HE KNOWS WHERE I LIVE

he lives in the next building over

HE LIVES IN THE NEXT BUILDING OVER

jean paul, Im sorry. that is a massive pain in the ass. how many more messages has he sent you and how has he reacted to you not replying?

he doesnt know i blocked and deleted him yet. he's obviously fucking insane and/or a serious predator. i can tell from the way he acted and this shit. he sent me a couple of other weird messages but none like THAT.

i mean this is something i did because i was wasted out of my mind and upset about something, obviously if he was a sane and good person he would realize that and leave me alone. but i dont know if he is. i just hope my boyfriend gets his shit together soon because im going to tell him (most) of what happened because

1. losing him is not worth it and even if i told him he'd probably stay with me and just be hurt and resentful
2. i need someone here to protect me i think

hopefully he can take a message and just....leave it alone

oh man, that poem

i only read bits of it, but this was my fave

I really just wanted to be a musician
But all I can do is draw stick figures
And piss people off
And there was this divide
The girl from the bar
And me with my old age

hopefully the ignoring will work?

yeah i lpl'd at that part too

goddamn. i mean ignoring should work, but this guy lives SO CLOSE.

and when i was drunk i kind of told him to order poppy pods. and made him do it.

so what if he fucking knocks on the door with the package one day.....

i am going to have to seriously be on the lookout. maybe even carry a fucking knife or something. i only have butter knives...that should work

okay on the advice of a friend i sent him a message telling him to under no circumstances contact me and that my boyfriend lives here now so if he contacts me i can call the police.

now hopefully i can just put this behind me.

god. that poem. that's the scariest part.